Judy Barber

In a family meeting, 28 year old Abigail Smith tells about an experience that took place three years before, soon after her father's computer company went public. One Friday evening, after a 60-hour workweek, the budding journalist turned to her boss and said, "I'm really excited! My husband and I are going away for the weekend for the first time in a long time." Her boss looked at her and commented in a cynical tone, "Well, I suppose even without this job, you could go away for as many weekends as you wanted." The person who hired and could fire Abigail had invaded her privacy and here was little she could say in response now that her boss had devalued her hard work.

People who are dissatisfied with their own lives or feel victimized by their own circumstances may be particularly vulnerable to resentment or envy. Their attitudes are fueled by the media's advertising and fascination with the rich that delivers the message that if you have money, all your problems should be solved.

So how do you respond to questions or comments about your wealth may depend on who asks and how important the relationship is to you.

When you want to create distance because the inquirer is on the periphery of your life you could answer unwanted questions with one of the following:

• That's something I (or my family) generally don't like to discuss.
• I'm curious, just why would you ask a question like that?
• Hey, I'd rather talk about...
• Let's talk about something we'll both find far more interesting.

In relationships where you want to increase understanding and improve communication, you may also approach the subject by saying:

• I know there has been a lot of publicity about the sale of the business, but what appears in the media and our reality aren't the same and it's just not something we talk about.

• I hope my having money won't get in the way of our friendship.

• You talk a lot about rich people. I hope you don't feel about me, the way you talk about them.

• I hope you aren't confusing me with my money.

• I know we are in different financial positions. I hope we can understand each other by imagining what it would be like to walk in each other's shoes.

The specifics of each family situation call for thinking ahead so you don't get caught off guard. The next time Abigail hears a comment about her dad's company that overshadows her own accomplishments, she can say, "I hope you can separate my value and hard work from the success of my father's business."

It's up to you to sort out your true feelings about the people who make remarks like these. The choice to let others in on your personal life is always yours; only you can give away what belongs to you, including financial information.

Over one hundred years ago, Supreme Court Justice Louis D Brandeis put it quite simply when he said the right to privacy is "The right to be let alone."

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Bridging the Gap: An interview with Carol Buckley

After reviewing Carol Buckley's memoir, At the Still Point for the last issue of Family Money, my mind kept returning to her story. The 10th and last child of Aloise and William Buckley, she grew up largely isolated from her siblings, the nearest, six years older than she, the others 12 to 20 years her senior and her parents ages 43 and 57 at her birth. She was not part of the mainstream of this bright and gregarious family whose successes included brothers, writer and commentator William F. Buckley and former New York Senator, James Buckley.

In her book, she tells of a lonely childhood, the grief from the death of two sisters, the end of two marriages and her struggle with depression and alcoholism. That she does so while maintaining her family's privacy intrigued me. In fact, I was so impressed by the way Carol balanced these forces in her life that I asked if she would be interviewed for Family Money. She graciously accepted.

FM: How did you decide to write the book?

CB: What I set out to do was write fiction, and as I wrote, my childhood kept intruding. So when I moved here to make a fresh start where I knew nobody I decided to write the memoir. I thought I should get my story out of the way so I could begin writing about imaginary characters.

FM: Why did you write it?

CB: I wasn't sure I was writing for publication. I was writing from some sort of inner need of my own, and in a sense, for my children to let them see my whole story.

FM: Were you aware as you were writing of how you were going to retain the family's privacy or did that come later in the revisions?

CB: I think I was always looking over my shoulder. I don't mean I censored what I was writing, but I wanted to be very clear that I was writing my story not their story. Particularly because of my brother Bill. I wanted in no way to intrude on their lives. I didn't think it was fair.

FM: What was your family's initial response to the book?

CB: The draft I sent to my brothers, sisters and children was one of my very first revisions. I was quite anxious when I sent it out to see what the response would be. I was just wonderfully happy my brothers and sisters seemed so excited about it. They were pleased that I too was a good writer. That was important.

FM: What was your children's response?

CB: I think my children found parts of the book painful to read which I understand, but I also think it helped them understand our lives better.

FM: How did the inherited money affect your self-image?

CB: Until I actually became a social worker in my forties and received my first
few paychecks, I felt I was not like other people because I didn't know how to make a living. That was the drawback of having money. I never had a big fortune. My father was not tremendously wealthy, but I had enough not to think about it and enough to spend too much and not be cautious. To this day, I have difficulty around money.

FM: As a social worker, you worked with families from diverse social and economic backgrounds. Did your clients know of your family and its wealth?

CB: You know, they didn't. For many years of course I didn't have the Buckley name. I hesitated taking my maiden name back. A friend of mine said, "It's your name. Take it, it's yours. It belongs to you." So I did. The Buckley name is a very common name. It didn't really intrude.

FM: How did you bridge the gap between their backgrounds and yours?

CB: There were times when my clients taught me so much. I worked with people who had no money. Many families had been blue-collar families. The factories closed and I saw for the first time the enormous poverty and I was astounded. I also came to understand how much pathology comes from poverty. I don't mean because they were incapacitated, but the worry about money. A family of six having to live in two rooms. The stressors that puts on the family, the violence sometimes that comes from that, the poor medical help and the hopelessness. It was such an eye opener to me. I suppose that's what made me a social liberal. Affluence no longer trickles down. There's a whole segment of society that's lost, needs help and support.

FM: What about your colleagues? Did they know of your background?

CB: Well, I would say it was often surprising. One of the things I have tended to do in life, which is awkward, is not tell anyone. When they finally find out it becomes uncomfortable. It's as if I hadn't trusted them. When I moved up here for instance, I lived here for a year and a half and then the book came out. Two of three people I have come to know said, "Gosh, I never knew." I did feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, I have always wanted to be accepted for my own sake, not because of my family.

FM: The publication of At the Still Point has made some of your life quite public. Have you found ways to be cordial while still maintaining distance?

CB: The attitudes of people who knew me before have not changed, for which I am grateful. People, who are meeting me now, I suppose because my life has had a lot of sorrows, have focused more on me as a human being than a wealthy kid. I've had one or two interviewers ask rather hostile questions about my brother, Bill. I simply threw the questions right back at them by saying, "The book is not about my brother. If you want to find out the answer to that question, ask him."

FM: Over the years of being from a prominent family, yet have chosen a life of diversity, have you developed a way to set boundaries around your private life?

CB: I try to be careful about talking about money. I try not to say, "Oh, I bought this in Prague." Or, "I speak French because I had a French governess as a child." I've always been aware - not with my good friends but with acquaintances - of not dropping those things into my conversation. I've had a sense that it might make people uncomfortable or too curious. Perhaps I'm guarded in that area so that I don't put myself in that position.

FM: Has the success of the book made a difference in how you feel about yourself?

CB: Yes it has. I think the success is truly mine not that I came from a well-known family. Also I realized as I was writing the book, how many things I had experienced in my life. And I thought, "Gosh, I've made it through. I'm in one piece. I'm happy. I have good friends. I'm a good parent. Wow, I want people to know you can do it even if you are in depression, even if you're drinking too much, even if you're divorced, even if you loose people you love, you can get through it."

FM: Is there a connection between gaining self-esteem as a successful writer and self-assurance.

CB: Yes, I think my attitudes about money have changed in a commensurate way with my gaining self-esteem. I spend it more wisely and I attach less importance to it all at the same time because I feel confident I could make it even without the money. Now, there's this kind of assurance and happiness that doesn't really depend on external things. It's lovely and it touches every part of my life.

FM: Carol, thank you for telling us about the impact of your family's money on your family's money on you as a child.

CB: You're very welcome.

Carol Buckley was born in New York City. She is a mother of four children and has worked as an editor at National Review Magazine. She is the author of Travels with Tarra, a Smithsonian Notable Books for Children 2002.

PROFESSIONAL VIEW

The Drawbacks of Excessive Privacy
by Deanne Stone

As someone who has been writing about the wealthy for the past eight years, I frequently bump up against issues of privacy. Although I try to be sensitive to and respectful of these concerns, the subject looms so large in my work that I have investigated it more thoroughly. Two years ago while employed at The Whitman Institute in San Francisco, I had the opportunity to interview twenty-four wealthy men and women from around the country. They ranged in age from twenty-one to seventy-five and all were trustees of family foundations. I was curious about individuals' concerns and the lengths to which they would go to guard their privacy. Since then, I have talked with several dozen more wealthy individuals. The conversations were informal and not intended as a strict research project.

The reasons people gave for protecting their privacy were predictable. Some feared publicity about their wealth would endanger their personal safety or result in loss of control over personal information and intrusion in their personal space. Others worried that publicity would distort their social relations, invite requests for money and favors, and cause them to betray family confidences or violate personal values such as humility.

Probably everyone, regardless of income, recognizes these reasons as legitimate cause for concern. Anyone who has ever had others misuse personal information, take advantage of a friendship, or hound them for favors knows how annoying such intrusions can be. These irritations are often magnified in the case of the wealthy who, by virtue of their privilege, are more likely to be the targets of others' scorn, envy, and hostility. As a consequence, the rich are wise to think carefully about these issues and how they can best protect themselves against unreasonable intrusions.

What intrigued me in talking with these individuals was where they drew boundaries between legitimate privacy and irrational secrecy. Some people had a healthy sense of self-protection. One middle-aged man, the grandson of the founder of a corporation that is a household name, identified his family's business if asked and, when appropriate, referred to his family's wealth. When I asked if anyone had ever tried to take advantage of him, he thought for a while and then answered that he wasn't aware of an occasion when it had happened. By contrast, a man I'll call Arthur perceived himself to be surrounded by potential exploiters.

Now in his forties, Arthur has lived a cloistered life since finishing his postgraduate studies. He has two friends but even they don't suspect that Arthur is wealthy. He lives in a modest home, dresses carelessly and sidesteps inquiries about his family. Arthur boasted that he was a master at dodging questions. He and his sister were well schooled by their parents. It wasn't until they entered college that they learned their father was not a corporate executive after all but the manager of the family's investments. The parents feared if their neighbors learned the father's real occupation they would start asking questions and uncover the fact of the family's wealth. With that kind of upbringing, it's not surprising Arthur takes pains to hide his wealth. Asked whether he might ever confide the truth to one of his close friends, Arthur said, "No, because if they knew they'd probably ask me for money or try to take advantage of me."

Another woman I'll call Morgan also struck me as being irrationally preoccupied with privacy. When she was 25, she received a sizable inheritance when her father died. Raised in a traditional home in which women were excluded from discussions about financial matters, Morgan was ignorant about investments. She was further handicapped by her family's secrecy about their wealth. Growing up, Morgan was repeatedly reminded it was impolite to talk about money -- ever. Now, faced with the responsibility of handling a large inheritance, Morgan didn't have a clue about what to do with it. She was certain of one thing: she did not want her older brother with whom she didn't get along to manage it. Her alternative was to hire a professional money manager.

When the first manager she consulted asked her how much money she had inherited, Morgan took offense. Trained never to talk about money in general, she was not about to reveal any particulars. Suspicious that the manager was being nosy and possibly disapproving of a young woman having such a large inheritance, Morgan refused to tell him how much money she had. Later, she consulted a second manager who asked her the same question. This time Morgan was prepared: she admitted to having a fraction of her wealth. Feeling friendlier toward this person, Morgan agreed to let the manager invest that amount. A year later, Morgan was still searching for other managers to whom she would entrust portions of her inheritance to invest. In the meantime, the bulk of her money was sitting in a dozen different savings accounts earning minimal interest.

In this situation, Morgan's beliefs clearly led to self-defeating behavior. Not only did she prevent the professionals from making the best decisions in managing her portfolio, her secrecy ensured that she made poor choices for herself.

I wish I could say that Morgan and Arthur were the exceptions. In fact, the lives of many individuals I interviewed were governed largely by concerns about privacy. Some people reported retreating after being hurt or used by friends. Others kept a low profile to discourage requests for money and favors, and one family had actually experienced an attempted kidnapping. For the most part, though, the people I spoke with were operating on unexamined assumptions about privacy.

Arthur, for example, had never tested his assumption that his friends would ask him for money if they knew he was wealthy. Yet to prevent that possibility from arising, he was willing to limit his social contacts, his friendships and his way of life. Morgan's life was equally circumscribed. Like other excessively secretive people, she not only controlled information that went out, she inevitably controlled what came in. By not talking forthrightly about her inheritance, she remained in the dark about investments.

Probably the greatest drawback to excessive secrecy is self-deception. Some individuals, consciously or unconsciously, use legitimate privacy concerns as excuses to avoid confronting painful feelings or challenging long-held beliefs. For them to maintain a semblance of well being and confidence in the rightness of their views, however, they have to stay well defended. That usually requires their cutting themselves off from close relationships and sources of information that may challenge their views or expose the truth of their wealth.

By not questioning their assumptions about privacy, many wealthy individuals may unnecessarily restrict their lives. Saddest of all, they may expend so much energy protecting their privacy that they sacrifice two of life's deepest pleasures: developing intimate friendships and using their money to enrich their own lives and those of others.

Deanne Stone is a freelance writer living in Berkeley. She writes frequently about families in business and philanthropy as well as about money issues. Deanne can be reached at deannestone@earthlink.net.

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