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Judy Barber |
COMMENTARY Welcoming guests into our homes and lives is one of the hallmarks of the holidays. And yet there are seasonal visitors we do not appreciate. These are: the intrusive thoughts and memories that sometimes knock on our door bearing sadness - the flood of feelings that come uninvited as memories of a lost mate, a parent, or the feeling of unfulfilled dreams and needs as the holidays approach. If we are going through difficult upheavals or transitions, our anxieties may even be further intensified at this time of year. Many of us hide our feelings in overcompensation at the toy store and in frantic over commitment. We try to ward off the uncomfortable changes in our lives by overloading our emotional and physical energies to the point of meltdown, rushing through each day, buying too many gifts, overindulging at too many parties, and giving more of ourselves than we realistically can. The momentum increases until, after the New Year's flurry, we fall back exhausted, feeling that some of the meaning of the holidays has once again been lost in the shuffle. Let us address some of these unwelcome visitors. If we acknowledge our emotions, we may be able to counter some of the driven qualities of the holiday season and counter some of our more frenetic impulses. By facing our feelings of sadness, loss or inadequacy, we may not have the same need to hide our emotions behind a well-practiced flutter of activity. By letting go of some of the sadness, we may be able to reclaim some of our happier recollections - rich memories we can begin to embroider back into the fabric of the holidays. Ideally, we will find a better balance. But can we? Can we really slow the pace of the holidays? Can creatures of habit truly change their seasonal behavior? I would like to state a tentative but optimistic yes. The best way to do this is by giving ourselves the gift of time. As Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwaanza approach this year, go for that walk, take that nap, sneak away for a cup of coffee with a dear friend, read that novel for an hour, or simply do nothing at all. In that luxurious space of time we carve out for ourselves we can begin to examine the complex feelings that well up at the holidays, and finally, let them go. It is difficult to change the habits of many years. Our culture does not make it easy to slow the pace of the holidays. We are bombarded by consumerism: virtually every television, radio, internet and magazine advertisement persuades us to buy more. So does every shop window. The constant barrage of ads taps into our guilt, where we are most vulnerable - with our loved ones for whom we feel we should do more. But if we face our anxieties at this time of the year and acknowledge our susceptibility to the Madison Avenue mentality we may be in a stronger position to resist its unfulfilling temptations. Difficult though it may seem, I believe we can make subtle internal shifts like these, and this special holiday issue of Family Money is designed to help you do just that. It proposes some specific suggestions for how to achieve the elusive balance we all seek. The article "The Holiday Season - Surviving with Heart" can guide us towards greater equanimity this year. The "Holiday Checklist" is a tool to help us give in a satisfying and realistic way. And I hope that my article recalling Christmas with my mother will offer a way to face the sometimes intrusive feelings roused by the holidays. I wish each of you and your families a wonderful holiday season.
PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
Holiday Memories When my mother died after a fourteen-year struggle with Alzheimer's, I feared I would never remember her the way she had been before her illness. Yet as the years pass, I am heartened, for as I approach each holiday season I am flooded with memories of her before she lost her memory. I shouldn't be surprised. My mother was at her best at Christmas time. She loved celebrations. For me, as a child, our house was magical. Every table in the living room glowed and sparkled with glass bowls of multi-colored ornaments, with candles of every shape and size, with red-berried holly and fresh greens, whose scent filled the room. Now, as I unwrap the fragile nativity my mother unwrapped each year beginning with the end of World War II, I see the fireplace mantles of my childhood strewn with holly, angel hair and votive candles. I see my mother joyously lavishing time on making every arrangement "just so." As I struggle with the part of me, which, like her, wants things to be perfect, I remind myself, "Don't make this such a big deal." But I find her there beside me, applauding the fuss and care I take with the table setting, with the tree, and the mantle.
Generosity She carried that spirit beyond our family, showing us how to give to people beyond our privileged home. She took our town's tradition and made it a lesson for her children. In our small, northern California community, charitable giving was more than writing a check. Through our church we were asked to create a Christmas for a needy family. The fifties were a time of naiveté, when "political correctness" hadn't made us self-conscious about the political and social implications of directly helping "the needy." Each year, my mother would be given the address of a family, told how many children there were, and their sex and ages. She directed us to go through our toys and give a much-loved treasure to a child in this family. I, of course, wanted to give away a toy I'd never liked anyway. She always knew and recognized the un-loved doll that had been stashed in the back of a closet and insisted that giving away a previously discarded toy was not the same. It wasn't "in the spirit of things," she would say. Once I even begrudgingly contributed my beloved music box. My mother's part - cooking yet another elaborate Christmas meal - must have been exhausting. With four children, it was not unusual to have ten for dinner during Christmas vacation. But she took as much care preparing the Christmas feast for the other family as she did for her own. Then we would wrap the gifts and box the food and presents and drive to the house on Christmas Eve. One of my brothers would put the box on the doorstep, ring the doorbell, and hurry back to the car. We would wait for the door to open, then would all call out "Merry Christmas!" and drive away.
Gifts of the Spirit I miss her. I wish she were here this year to help me decorate the mantle. For her first Christmas in the Alzheimer's unit of a convalescent hospital, I brought her a beautiful (albeit artificial) Christmas tree. It glittered with gold balls, bows, doves, tiny lights and was crowned with an angel. She loved it. The lights were lit day and night. After the holidays, as I started to take it down, she looked at me pleadingly and asked, "Won't you leave it?" The Christmas tree stayed on through spring and summer.
Continuing the Tradition
PROFESSIONAL VIEW
The Holiday Season - Surviving With Heart The winter holidays are a festive time of year filled with bright colors, a spirit of generosity and a chance to don our winter finery and gather with loved ones. With our hearts open we look forward, with joyful anticipation, to intimate and gentle time with family and friends. For many, however, this season also brings a burden of expectation. Advertising campaigns persuade us that more is better, that the perfect gift means perfect love, and under the pressure of possible failure we feel fearful and overwhelmed. We find ourselves asking, "Can I find it? Will they like it? Will it be enough? Can I get it all done? Am I passing on unrealistic expectations to my children?" The stress increases, our joyful anticipation dissolves, and we chant ourselves through the days with "It will soon be over." How do we go about changing this pattern in our lives? How do we identify and separate what is truly important to us from the commercial influence all around us? How can we experience the joy of giving and receiving without losing ourselves or being crushed by time and financial demands? Here are some simple questions you might ask yourself that might help. Add any questions of your own that come to mind and make notes of your answers. • What can I do during this season to bring pleasure, satisfaction and joy to myself and others? • What changes can I make to eliminate the burden of oughts and shoulds? • How do I want to feel when this season is over? When you have finished, look over your answers and formulate a plan to support your desires. Here are some stories of people who have found ways to simplify and enjoy the holidays. Holiday Dinners One extended family serves a German-style meal of sausages, hot potato salad, three bean salad and homemade cookies. Repeating the menu each year eliminates decisions and simplifies shopping. Each family contributes its special cookies. This simple meal is quickly prepared and is an annual treat anticipated with pleasure by everyone. Shopping Made Easy • A 50-year-old professional and single mother of two loves buying gifts. Many purchases are made throughout the year. In October, she makes several shopping trips to finish her list. She wraps as she buys and mails by the second week in December. This routine, performed throughout the year, relieves stress and brings ease and joy to her holiday season. • A large extended family solved their gift-giving dilemma by drawing names. This provides relief from their financial burden and increases the time and care that can be given to each giftee. • A 40 year old working mother of one - who also volunteers in the community, has a large extended family and loves to bake - gives home-made cookies. This is a family event with husband and daughter helping at every step. Each October, using a checklist which itemizes ingredients and quantities needed, she stocks up on supplies. For two-and-a-half weeks in November, the family bakes. In early December she mails the cookies. This tradition promotes family unity, eliminates shopping for the perfect gift and brings joy to givers and receivers alike. Alternatives to Traditional Gift Giving • A family of four, including two teens, cook and serve meals at a charitable kitchen on Christmas Day. They buy one special gift for each family member and give their extra time and energy to people who would not otherwise experience the warmth and caring of the season. • Some people give a gift of time in another season. During winter holidays, they issue invitations to share lunch, a concert, a boat ride, or an hour of organizing services, then sets a firm date for the next year. Holiday Cards • A 30 year old mother of two sends Thanksgiving cards. One family sends annual greetings in June. If there is a particular time of year that is meaningful to you, create your tradition for that season. Alternatives to All of the Above • A number of individuals and families plan vacations away from it all, often in warmer climes. They participate minimally or not at all in the usual traditions. One professional woman, who is sensitive to the diminishing light during short winter days and has little energy for extra activities, plans a mid-winter retreat each year. Many of our present-day traditions come to us from a time when we were a predominantly agricultural society, when the movement of our lives was determined by the seasons. After the harvest, when the weather cooled and the nights lengthened, we went indoors to rest and renew. Life was slower; Midwinter festivities were part of that life. Gifts were often simply special treats, such as fruit or sweets, which were not part of everyday life. Changing our patterns to correspond more truly to the seasonal cycles and to the meaning of the holidays is possible. It requires some introspection to acquire clarity and a certain amount of courage to challenge the status quo. But it can be done and it is worth the time and effort if it brings us peace and the satisfaction of living according to our deepest beliefs. Anacaria Myrrha of Simple Systems has worked as an organizational systems consultant and trainer since 1977. She specializes in information, paper, and energy management with attention to personal priorities, patterns and styles. She is a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers and served two years as president of the San Francisco Bay Area Chapter.
Dorothy Streich is an Organizational Consultant specializing in paper, time, and project management. Her customized file systems and time management coaching are designed to meet individual needs and styles. She is a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers and is Book Marketing Coordinator for the San Francisco Bay Area Chapter.
OF VALUE
Act One: An Autobiography
"We hurried on, our heads bent against the wind, to the cluster of lights ahead that was 149th Street and Westchester Avenue. Tugging at my father's coat, I started down the line of pushcarts. There were all kinds of things that I wanted, but since nothing had been said by my father about buying a present, I would merely pause before a pushcart to say, with as much control as I could muster, 'Look at that chemistry set!' or, 'There's a stamp album!' Each time, my father would pause and ask the pushcart man the price. Then without a word we would move on to the next pushcart. Soon I looked up and we were nearing the end of the line. My father looked up, too, and I heard him jingle some coins in his pocket. In a flash I knew it all. He'd gotten together about seventy-five cents to buy me a Christmas present, and he hadn't dared say so in case there was nothing to be had for so small a sum. As I looked up at him I saw a look of despair and disappointment in his eyes that brought me closer to him than I had ever been in my life. I wanted to throw my arms around and say, 'It doesn't matter ... I understand ... I love you.' But instead we stood shivering beside each other for a moment - then turned away from the last two pushcarts and started silently back home. I don't know why the words remained choked up within me. I didn't even take his hand on the way home nor did he take mine. We were not on that basis. Nor did I ever tell him how close to him I felt that night - that for a while the concrete wall between father and son had crumbled away and I knew that we were two lonely people struggling to reach each other."
OF VALUE New Year Resolve
The time has come
HOLIDAY TIPS by Anacaria Myrrha & Dorothy Streich
• Traditional meals eliminate decision-making
SHOPPING HINTS
• Make a plan of action
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