COMMENTARY
by Judy Barber

I am thirteen, and on my way to the bus stop on a clear spring morning. As I close the front door my chest tightens when I gaze at the garden and the steep hillside, a bank of flowering ice plant. I notice my Mother's bulbs have bloomed, the ones she planted near a very old oak tree outside my bedroom window. I also remember the bantering voices of my father and brothers as they built the "old brick" retaining wall only a couple of years ago. The family had taken a Sunday drive on Highway 1, stopped, gently pulled and filled the trunk with this hardy ground cover. The garden is all grown up, but our home is going to be sold. It will be the eighth move of my life.

Another turn of fortune for my real estate developer father. The moving was hard on all six of us, especially my father who took great pride as a provider and my mother, who had just finished decorating the nest.

The garden was growing on its own, the house was comfortable and inviting and we all had a store of memories. The "hi fi" was piped in to all the rooms and my mother and I cooked for the hordes of gangly teen-age boys and girls who were hungry all the time. It was an exciting time that I often watched from the large stairway that overlooked the spacious living room.

Although we all adapted to change, this move, like the others, would affect our family. The uprooting took its toll. From grand to humble homes and a few in between, that was our mercurial life as we moved up and down the socio-economic ladder.

Yet, regardless of how much money there was, we always had enough and wonderful times as a family. This way of life gave me flexibility and adaptability, and I'm almost always up for a change of plans. Usually, I can walk into any room knowing no one and make my way.

But there have been times when I have experienced my own turns of fortune. I have no doubt that the waves of sadness that hark back to my childhood experiences affect my ability to set priorities and make lasting decisions.

For nearly twenty years I've worked with clients who have lost and often regained fortunes in oil and gas, real estate, limited partnerships, the stock market and the timber industry. I've also consulted with divorced and widowed clients or those who suddenly finding themselves in a family home and a lifestyle that is consuming so much cash that it threatens their retirement. Most of my clients land on their feet, and for some, no one on the outside is the wiser. After all, there's not much to notice when the zeroes are reduced but the net worth is still in the top 10 percentile. Yes, it's all relative. Fortunes can change quickly, and with it, a loss of social status. The vulnerability, disappointment, and second guessing about "the could have beens" may prevail. Whether the reduction is $10,000, $100,000 or $1,000,000, the resulting loss of social status can be profound.

For some, accepting change is a long process. It often means facing the circumstances and decisions that once never needed to be confronted. Yet while some people never recover emotionally from the financial losses they've suffered, we increase the chances of moving ahead productively with our lives when we address our emotions and set priorities. The feelings that come up are not always welcome but identifying them can help lead us through the grief.

Identify what you will miss.

Identifying the losses is one of the best ways to begin. What's hard to leave behind? What will you miss? A house? Household or office help? A circle of friends with whom you now have less in common? Possessions that are now too much for a scaled down lifestyle? Extensive travel? Entertainment? Or just knowing that the comfort of the safety net isn't as wide? Make your own list for your set of circumstances.

One couple took a long time putting their family home of 30 years on the market. It had first and second mortgages and was expensive to maintain. They shared their lists with each other indicating not only those things they would miss but also the things they wouldn't miss. As they prepared to sell their house, they were sad, but they also realized what they wouldn't miss.

Decide how you're going to talk to children, family and friends about the changes.

Children sense what is unspoken. They pick up cues from the tension, exhausted looks on the faces of their parents and distractions imposed by difficult decisions. Let your children know what is going on, be concrete about what may happen and reassure them about the activities, events and traditions that will remain the same. One ten year old child of a client asked his dad, "Are we poor now?" because Mom and Dad seemed worried and were so much more careful about how they spent their money. Dad acknowledged the changes, didn't try to underplay his son's feelings or rush to paint an unreasonably rosy picture of the future. He gave his son time to absorb the changes. Later his son acknowledged how the downswing brought a less pressured life.

Make sure that those closest to you have some inkling of your loss so they can support you emotionally and help you feel less alone. This may be difficult because for many the subject of money is still an unspoken issue. You may learn things about a friend's financial crisis you'd never known. In confiding to their friends, some clients have even found professional resources they didn't know existed.

Other fallout from a loss of income is experiencing distance unexpectedly from those who have been close. This can be confusing and awkward and can bring up feelings of betrayal and abandonment. But often, when friends and family members withdraw emotionally, their response has less to do with you and more to do with what money and status mean to them. The loss of financial resources can also be frightening to some and represent a threat to their own way of life.

Prioritize the changes and, when possible, keep the most important pieces of your life intact.

Setting priorities, articulating the most important aspects of your lifestyle is critical during these times of transition. In my experience, those who try to downsize by cutting out all "the frills" - the things that bring them pleasure - end up with longings that can make for a difficult transition and can also lead to binge spending. Indulging in dinners out, vacations, the theater, amenities for the house are still possible but often with more thought and on a smaller scale. Cutting out whole aspects of one's life results in deprivation not healing.

But those insistent visitors from the past - feelings of loss and grief - who come most times without warning, are there, even when we don't acknowledge them. When we try to shut the memories out the grief remains. Yet in spite of these feelings, continuing to live fully and allowing for those pleasures from the past is essential. When sadness comes up, we can say to ourselves, "Ah, there's that sadness again," take a deep breath and return to the moment. When we're able to do that and have acted proactively on our own behalf, we enhance our chances of moving on successfully with our new lives.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

When Less Becomes More: Making the Most of Change

I met Claire about fifteen years ago as she was in the early stages of making a major life transition. She was facing a divorce from her husband of many years with whom she had raised a family, a man of quite extraordinary wealth. But she, too, had wanted to lead her own life, largely out from under the shadow of her high profile and well-known husband. Over a period of years, I watched her create her own identity, set her own financial priorities and commit to a new life as she struggled to come to terms with reducing her spending capability by eighty per cent.

The focus of this issue of Family Money is how to cope with financial change. This month we are privileged to share with you a frank and surprising interview of a woman of substantial means. When her divorce was final, her spending was reduced by 80%, but her grace and sense of humor carried her through.

I was and continue to be impressed by Claire's courage and determination to let go rather than hang on to her old life. There are many lessons to be learned from her experience and we at Family Money appreciate her willingness to share her story.

FM - So let's begin with your divorce. When did you and your husband make the decision to seek a divorce? Can you also talk about what precipitated the divorce?

We began proceedings about 1984. Basically John and I met as students and lived the student life together for a number of years. Then he inherited millions, and climbed on a plane and started circling the earth. There were many problems in our marriage, but his non-stop travel was very difficult. We stayed in the marriage because we were crazy about our children, and neither of us was willing to face a life of part-time custody. Honestly, the divorce was one of the most positive experiences he and I shared.

FM - How was the divorce a positive experience?

Well, I went to a wonderful attorney, Sam Juarez. Given the harsh realities of a divorce battle, it would take two to three years to audit John for disclosure and I knew I couldn't take the mental stress. So I went home to my little electric typewriter and wrote a settlement. I knew that my husband had a phobia about attorneys and stayed in a poor marriage partly because of his fears of monstrous legal fees.

FM - And what about the vulnerability of losing privacy?

Absolutely.

FM - So did you choose a mediated divorce?

Yes. There had been a great deal of stress with my teenage children who were having problems of their own. There were other difficulties in my personal life and so I had very little stamina. I did not want to fight my husband over money - absolutely not.

FM - And you trusted you would get what you wanted without having your own attorney?

The key was that this attorney was very smart and beyond pettiness. He had so much personal dignity that you couldn't throw a hissy fit. He wouldn't have tolerated it from either of us. And he and John got along. So the mediation process was gigantic.

FM - Was the financial outcome satisfying or unsatisfying, and in what ways?

Yes, it was satisfying. I was given enough. So having enough and not less than enough was comforting to me.

FM - But your expendable income was cut so sharply.

In terms of spending, I had 20% of what I had at my disposal in the marriage.

FM - Did the outcome of the settlement affect your lifestyle, and if so, how?

Well, it certainly did. I think the biggest loss was the loss of my husband's network, including his family. He has a very talented family and that was a huge loss. I was no longer part of this very successful, dynamic group. Then, there was the legion of advisors and experts that were no longer accessible to me. His team was his team. One advisor had insisted, during the time of our marriage, that my husband create a trust for me and was worried, on my behalf, about the outcome of the divorce. When we split, I did get that advisor.

FM - Were there other losses?

Another tangible loss was a complete staff. I had a driver. I had a personal assistant. I had cooks and maids. I had not been in a supermarket for twenty years. All those perks disappeared. I hadn't flown commercially for twenty years. And the first time I stood in line at an airport to get my tickets and take a trip, I felt sorry for myself because flying in John's private jet was huge. But, Judy, who can you get to feel sorry for you when you're missing a private jet?

It's a new experience to be a part of the general public after leading a very privileged, upper class life - "The top one percentile," John used to say. And as you also know, I've been in the twelve steps program. You do not go into an AA meeting and say, "I'm grieving the loss of my husband's Falcon jet. You know, you don't. You can understand that, correct?"

FM - Yes, I do understand. You do joke about it, and make it very funny, but I'm wondering if there's any more you can say about how your identity was wrapped up in those things.

My identity was wrapped up in the money; I knew that when I started cutting back and it was suggested that I cut up my platinum American Express card. It was truly traumatic for me. That's who I was. I knew I was vulnerable.

FM - In what way were you vulnerable?

Well, I didn't have access to the fantasy that I'd been living for many years. But, the great news was I'd only experienced this lifestyle for a short part of my life. That is absolutely key, because my former husband and I were very much the bohemian students for the first years of our life together.

FM - So in what ways did the settlement influence what you could do? Before the divorce you could buy anything, go anywhere, do everything. Then suddenly you knew you had to think about a purchase or you couldn't afford it.

Absolutely. And had to simplify every area of my life and I had to stay out of my favorite stores and restaurants. That is what I had to do. But you know, I could still enjoy quite a lot.

FM - With such a decrease, how come you felt satisfied with the settlement?

As part of the divorce I kept my favorite house. The capacity to continue to live in what had been a vacation house and knowing it was mine was important because I didn't have to give that up. I was able to get a little flat in the neighborhood I'd always lived in and that was awesome because I didn't have to leave the beauty and comfort of familiar surroundings.

The transition was such an amiable process. My attorney was so smart, and yet there was no ugliness. There was no bitterness; there was no acrimony.

FM - How did you feel about the impact of that decision on the outcome of your settlement?

I've never regretted it. And Sam warned me, "You're giving away the farm. Do you know that?" And I said, "Yes, I did." I knew about all those divorces where there was so much ugliness and fighting things and I didn't want to do it to me and I didn't want to do it to my husband. And despite the attorney's warnings, he was able to get me an attractive settlement.

FM - It sounds like you trusted that you would have enough. And so is that part of why you look back and feel it was a good decision?

Absolutely. I was more focused on, "Here's my settlement, now I have to create a way of life to preserve this." The attorney told me, "You have seven years to come back and re-negotiate this. I hope we will not have to do that." I knew I didn't want to do that. And then other people told me many women go through their settlements in three years.

It's very difficult to hold on to what you have and not get carried away. And so I shifted my focus from my husband's wealth to, "Now I've got to at least conserve this and start a new way of life." I attended many financial seminars.

FM - And what about in terms of lifestyle? Are there parts of that lifestyle that you don't miss?

The lifestyle was that of a queen without any of the responsibilities of being a queen. It was just major Cinderella.

FM - So you don't miss being Cinderella?

No, I don't miss being Cinderella. It's definitely worked out well.

FM - Did this new found responsibility and independence affect how you felt about yourself?

Absolutely. The first few years it was frightening to be responsible. It was scary going to the supermarket. It was weird driving myself. You know what? I had never pumped gas.

FM - And you've adjusted?

Perfectly. It's ironic but I've always been interested in simplification. And now I'm fine. It's actually been good, and what an education.

FM - With such a drastic change, how did you handle personal requests and charitable requests, when perhaps for the first time in a long time, you had to say, "No"?

While married, I was Lady Bountiful. I remember that I had a list of 26 people that I was either supporting, paying for their therapy, paying for their education or starting them in businesses. And the attorney told me, as he looked at my numbers, that I was giving away more non-deductible money than his wealthiest clients were giving away charitably. Giving money away was my number one problem.

FM - How did you begin to set limits and what were some of the setbacks you experienced when you made this transition? Did some people just vanish?

Well definitely, 50% of the requests ended when I was no longer married and linked to a very wealthy family.

FM - And did they take their friendship with them?

Some people just disappeared. Yes, it was wonderful. Then, living in a little flat was a huge help. Just the way my life changed - not having a driver, a secretary, a cook and a housekeeper to answer the phone. And then I continued to work on the capacity to say, "No." When people invited me to lunch I would be disarmed. We'd have this pleasant, cordial lunch, and then in the last fifteen minutes it would be, "Oh by the way, I represent such-and-such agency, and we're in desperate shape, we've GOT to have X dollars and can you help us?" And literally, my lunches would be $5,000 and $10,000 lunches.

FM - So you were able stop accepting some of those invitations?

That's correct. But it's still a problem I've continued to work with. Today, 40% of my income is given away. I'd like to change that and tithe, give away 10%. I know I can't continue to sustain this level of giving.

FM - But, you're still struggling about what you have versus what you could provide for somebody else?

That's correct. I got a phone call recently and now I'm paying $10,000 a year tuition for somebody who's very meaningful to me. That's a lot of money. I have many charitable projects and plans, and so, that is still the number one area of vulnerability I need to address.

FM - Have you cut back in other areas?

At the time of my divorce I cut back in so many other areas of my life. I wrote letters giving people 90 days or six month's advance warning stating, "This is going to stop, I can no longer afford to contribute at this level."

FM - Did the changes in your economic situation create changes in your social status?

Completely. My social status went underground. I didn't have a social status. People were interested in my former husband's resources, his power, and his largess. It became clear that power stayed with him and our children. It's just a funny thing about society.

FM - Well, how did this change affect you? How did you adjust to the changes?

I adjusted comfortably, slowly, with maximum help - from you and the twelve-step program. The terror that I anticipated never came. I did it one day at a time, and as I said before, I was still in my neighborhood, and had enough resources to be comfortable.

FM - What I think is most interesting is that you didn't frame this divorce in the context of "You have X millions of dollars so I should get Y of it." There is something quite unique about coming from a place of saying, "Let's figure out how much is enough."

I don't know how you can phrase this, but the truth is, I was grateful. I've just been extraordinarily lucky. I mean, I hope the words good fortune, grace, blessings will appear in your article, because I feel that I've had good luck. I still feel God was good to me because we had both a tempestuous marriage and a sane divorce. I've have an incredible life and now I have the opportunity to be comfortable and secure.

FM - Now that it's been fifteen years since the divorce was final, what have been the most difficult and most positive aspects of the cutback?

I didn't realize the depth of the emotional connection even after all these years. In a way, the marriage is still there. The emotional stress of this major life change was horrendous and there was a lot of fear but I was able to utilize every possible resource to get through it without, a coronary or a stroke.

FM - And what's the best that's come out of it for you?

I no longer live in a negative, argumentative, and destructive marriage, and I am free as well as solvent.

FM - And do you think you know more about who you are than you did before?

Are you kidding? When you are responsible for yourself you get to know a ton more about yourself than when you call in your personal assistant and your staff to arrange your life for you. Absolutely. You're definitely more of a human being. No doubt about it.

FM - Do you feel more confident?

I do feel more competent and more confident.

FM - Having been through this experience, what advice would you give to those readers who may be facing a similar financial transition?

The key question is, Can you put angry emotions and hidden agendas aside? Instead of the fight of your life, I would seek mediation. I know that more and more people are open to mediation and it is a big help.

FM - I also believe your willingness to ask yourself the questions How is it that I want to live my life? And How much is enough? Are questions that anyone who is needing to make drastic cutbacks need to ask themselves. It takes courage to do that because it is painful. But you did it. You also set your priorities and made good choices.

Fortunate choices, yes. I asked for and received guidance and this allowed me to make good choices.

FM - Claire, thank you so much for your time.

Thank you so much for the opportunity.

* The names in this interview have been changed for reasons of privacy.

EXCHANGES

Financial Recovery

Financial Recovery, based in San Anselmo, California, was founded in 1988 by Karen McCall. The

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